The Prognosis

A whole weekend had passed since I found out that I had a tumor. I spent majority of that weekend, wondering what was going on, what my outcome was going to be, and even though people told me not to . . . I "googled". My family got together at my oldest sister's house on the Sunday, and over a cup of tea we had a little "pow-wow" where we gathered up information about my tumor and made a list of questions that we had for the Neurosurgeon. We also got in contact with a few of our Dr. friends and asked them if they could recommend any questions or concerns that we should bring up when we saw the Surgeon.

On Monday February 24th, dear husband and I headed to Toronto Western Hospital, which is one of the world's leading Hospitals in Neuroscience - so grateful to have such a top ranking hospital in my own 'backyard'. As we walked into the hospital, there were a ton of people in the main foyer, and a lot of these people were old, I was probably one of the youngest people in there. Many people were in wheel chairs, had walkers, canes, etc. I'm not old, I'm young, and healthy, and can walk perfectly fine, I am not supposed to be here - was my first initial thought. Across the foyer there was a little Sushi Bar, and I told Keenan that no mater what, I wanted to eat some rolls before we left the Hospital. We went up to the 4th floor where I was to register for my appointment. As Keenan and I sat down in the waiting area, there were patients all around waiting to be seen. I'm not sure what these other patients appointments were for, but I take it a spinal cord tumor trumps all because I was called in soon after we sat down.
Keenan and I waited and waited and waited some more in the examining room for a good 20-30 minutes until finally a resident came in to let us know that the Dr. was almost finished up in surgery. I'm not sure if you have caught on or not but I have yet to mention any of my Dr.'s names. I am not quite sure what the 'rules' of blogging are and disclosing peoples names without their permission, so until I get my Dr.s' approval to revel their identity, I am going to continue to keep their names anonymous.
While Dr. "Top Dog" was still in surgery, the resident got my back-story and started doing some tests on me. She took a pin and started pricking my body, my arms, thighs, legs, and feet to see if I could feel it - um ya, you are pricking me with a pin, of course I could feel it! I did however notice that the sensation of the pricks in the left side of my body weren't as sharp as the right. she continued to do some more testing on me including the Hoffman test - the same one that was done by the previous Dr. but this time I didn't react to it at all ( that's a really good thing). Once she was done poking at me and scraping the bottoms of my feet with the top of her pen (yes she did that too), she asked me to come out into the hallway to go for a walk. Unless you are on the runway on the set of America's next top model I never knew that the simple act of walking could feel so intimidating. She asked me to walk back and forth in the hallway, I had to walk backwards and sides ways, and then she asked me to walk as if I was walking on a tight rope with one foot directly in front of the other ( the heel of my front foot had to be touching the tip of my big toe of my back foot). I did that with flying colours, but then in the midst of my walking on a type rope, without any warning she said "Okay keep walking but now close your eyes'", so I did . . . yup, I completely lost my balance and had to reach out and catch myself on the wall beside me. After you are done reading this, I want you to go try it - it's not as easy as it sounds. Another symptom of a SCT is that it can throw off your balance, so I guess it's starting to slowly take effect on me -well at least it is while I'm on a tight rope with my eyes closed ;).
After all my tests were done and we waited a little longer the Neurosurgeon finally came in. Knowing how Amazingly smart and "God-like" this man was, I felt extremely nervous to talk to him. But he too had a pretty calm presence to him.
This guy went straight to the hardcore facts, explaining what the tumor was, where it was located, what the nerves do that are located in that area, and what he was going to do about it. I was hoping he would  say we could do a 'wait and watch' approach, but  he didn't, he said the words that I had a feeling that I was going to hear -"SURGERY". "Your tumor will need to be surgically removed, if left to grow in your spinal cord there will be a 99% chance that you will eventually become paralyzed" is what he told us. He briefly went over all of the risks that come with the surgery ( as all doctors have to do), one of the risks included was that there is a 5% chance that I can be completely paralyzed from the neck down and be dependent on a ventilator. He quickly covered what to expect once the surgery is over and what will happen in the weeks to follow. Once we get my surgery date set, we will have a pre-op meeting where I will get in depth details about the surgery itself and the outcome. He said the "good thing" about these tumors is that they are very slow growing, so we have time on our hands. That being said he ordered me another MRI, which is scheduled for April 24th. From there we will see if there has been any changes to the Tumor ( hopefully for the better) and that will determine when my surgery will be. In total I think the Doc was with us for 10-15 minutes and then just like that he was off to save someone's life. When he walked out that door I felt extremely grateful for this man, he was so confident about everything he explained to us, he didn't think twice that he couldn't perform the surgery, he was so sure about everything! Keenan and I left the 4th floor both a little taken back by all the information that was just dumped onto our shoulders. I'm not sure what was going through Keenan's mind, but all I wanted to do was cry, I needed to break down, I was so strong for the entire weekend only having little mini crying sessions here and there, but I was ready, I needed to get it all out. But I didn't, I couldn't, I didn't want to cry in the hospital, so I stayed strong for a little while longer. Keenan asked me if I just wanted to go home, but I didn't yet, I was hungry and I really wanted that Sushi. So the both of us sat down. I held back tears, Keenan held my hand and we ate our sushi in silence only exchanging a few words to each other, knowing that if we said too much it would bring on the tears.

That night when everyone in the house was tucked into bed. I curled up into my husbands arms and finally broke down, I broke down in the way that I needed to break down. I cried in a way that I've never cried before. I was mourning my life. Life as I knew it would be forever changed. Even if I make a full recovery ( which I completely intend to do) I will never have the same life again, it was like a little part of me had died. I needed that time to feel sorry for myself, to be mad, sad, and upset.
I needed to ask why this was happening to me - I think the only person who can answer that question is me - I will create the answer to the reason why out of a million people I was the one who was diagnosed with this Tumor. The answer hasn't come to me yet, but I am slowly answering it as the days go on. Since discovering I had a SCT I have not taken one single day for granted, I appreciate my husband and all he does for me and my children that much more than I already had, and I tell him and show him how much I love and appreciate him everyday. I have taken charge of my health, eating healthier, taking vitamins, homeopathic remedies, and started yoga. I've become closer to cousins, aunts and uncles. I have an even stronger bond with my friends. Every opportunity I can, I tell my loved ones that I love them. I continue to be blessed by the love and support from my parents, siblings, and in-laws everyday. I hug my children more, kiss them more, and tell them and show them how much they are loved . Every night before I put my youngest to sleep, I say "thank you for saving mommy's life". Above all I appreciate life and all the wonderful things it has to offer more so than I ever have before.
 In an odd way, I believe I have been given a rare gift, the gift that something serious has happened to me but with no significant risks of dying. I hope I can use this gift to make a small impact on peoples lives.
I have the power ... "What this power is I cannot say; all I know is that it exists" - Alexander Graham Bell.