Going on Vacation

Today is the last day of school for my kids.
We will be spending the first half of our summer together vacationing and going on many adventures. I will not be blogging or updating any of my social media sites for the next few weeks. I will be back to blogging before my surgery which is on July 28th.

-Eileen

Guest Post

 A health crisis does not only impact the person that it is happening to, it also reaches that person's family and friends. But above all I think the person who is impacted the most is the spouse of the individual( if they have one). 
The news of my tumour has affected my husband just as much, if not more so than  it has affected me. 

When a couple is married they exchanged wedding vows, and one of the phrases in the traditional vow is: "in sickness and in health". When couples exchanged these vows do they actually acknowledge what they are truly saying and committing to? Are they really paying attention to the actual meaning of those words?
When my husband was saying those words to me on our wedding day, little did he know that five years later he would find out that his wife had a tumour and he would have to live up to the "in sickness" part of the promise  he made when stating those vows.
 For the most part he has been very true to those words . . . in the best way that he can be. He has had some downs along the way, but I know it is because this unfortunate situation is out of his control, and for him that is no good, he likes to fix things and this is one thing that he cannot fix. Under these circumstances our marriage has been put to a test. . . 

Metaphorically speaking, I know that once we conquer this mountain in our life together that any future hills we stumble upon  will take very little effort for us to climb. 

A while ago I asked my husband if he wanted to do a guest blog post about how he was  feeling about all this, he was a little hesitant at first but then he agreed to it.
So on behalf of my husband here are his thoughts about the situation that life threw our way. . .

 (Please Note: My husband is not one to swear, and I was going to edit his first line out because I didn't want those of you who don't know him to think that he has a potty mouth, but I left it in because that is how he was feeling).

"F&#K YOU  TUMOUR!

Although the anger is fading as I've accepted my new reality, I still find myself mourning the life I had and the life I thought I would be having moving forward.  It’s taken me a few months to put my selfish thoughts away and really get focused on what Eileen needs now.  Love and support.

Here’s the email I sent to my boss at 11:34am on Thurs Feb 20^th.

Got a call from my wife.  She got her medical results back from her MRI on Monday.  Doctor asked her to come in ASAP and now she’s in a flat panic.  Doctor offices need some customer empathy training.

The next few days  I was living in a blur and did my best to appear strong.  And by appear strong I mean adopt the emotional state of a rock.  Not helpful, but it kept me from breaking down.  It wasn't until my first day back at work that it really hit me.  I was in the office nice and early to catch up on emails and another early rising coworker casually asked “How are you doing?” as he walked by.  How was I doing?  Did he want my honest answer?  I had a total and uncontrollable melt down.  Right in the office.  Luckily it was still early and the office only sparsely populated.  I quickly made my way over to my former boss’ office and asked to speak with him.  Like a true master, he calmed me down while giving me the opportunity to release the built up frustration, anger, disappointment and fear. 

Feeling better, I walked out of the office refreshed and ready to rock.  In hindsight, I still had a way to go to really accept the situation.

As a problem-solving logical thinking stereotypical male, a significant portion of my waking hours was spent trying to plan out our next steps to get Eileen through this.  My initial research phase had me digging into the disease, symptoms, treatment options, existing medical benefits and overall healthy lifestyle changes.  I think focusing on “fixing” something really kept me together during those first few weeks.  I had a mission, a goal, a target and I was on a roll.  If anyone is interested in the treatment plan I put together, please reach out.

The next few weeks had me take a turn for the worse.  I had good days and bad days, but the bad days were really bad.  I found it easier to shut down than to open up.  Counterproductive and I knew it.  Time to call in my parents for assistance ( it was my wife who asked them to leave their beautiful home in Victoria to come for a visit, because she knows that if anyone can bring me up in life, it is them).  They’re the equivalent of the eagles in the JRR Tolkien books.  When things are REALLY bad and you’ve tried everything else, they swoop in to save the day.  Just the thought of them coming out helped pull me out of my hole. 

I can’t remember the exact date that I truly accepted reality and released my past expectations of the future, but it may have been the day spent at Princess Margaret hospital for Eileen’s contrast MRI scans.  Perhaps it was watching the old woman helping her even older husband get checked in for his MRI scan.  Perhaps it was the time I sat alone in the hospital chapel getting back to my meditation practice.  Doesn't matter what the trigger was, but I felt changed. I still have good days and bad days, but lately there have been a lot more good days. Watching my wife take this tumour head on and seeing how many people she is inspiring along the way makes me so proud of her and want to be strong and supportive for her. I am extremely blessed to be married to such a wonderful and selfless person who is more than anyone can ask for in a partner and a mother to our children. 

I’m with you lover.  Bring it on!"

- Keenan




Here are a few pics of Keenan and I exchanging our vows on our wedding day, He is the wind beneath my wings.

Surgery Date is Booked

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I haven't posted because I just haven't felt like blogging anything.
I do however want to update to say that I have my surgery date booked; I will be having my surgery done on July 28th at Toronto Western Hospital.

On Thursday May 15th I had an appointment to see my neurosurgeon to discuss my MRI results. For some reason I didn't feel nervous at all that day, I was glad to finally know what lay ahead for me, and to no longer be stuck in limbo.
My husband and my mother joined me for this appointment. We met and talked with the neurosurgeon for about 45 minutes.
The surgeon recommended that even though there was no tumor growth and that I have little to minimal symptoms that I should still have the surgery sooner than later. He said that some neurosurgeons would use the 'wait and watch' method, and would just continue to send me for MRI's every 3 months until there was some growth; he went on to say that extremely confident surgeons would proactively do the surgery ( tooting his own horn if you will). He said that if  we waited and the tumor grew even by 1/2 a mm then he would have to remove the base of the back of my skull which would make for an even more risky surgery than it already is.
A part of me was wishing that we could just do the wait and watch approach, and that this thing would just stay this size for the rest of my life. But, it will grow, it will grow, and I will need this surgery. So I think it is best to do it now while I am young and healthy. I have so much confidence in my surgeon and I know I am in good hands.

... The truth is, I am terrified, everyone says I am going to be ok, and I like to think that I will be ok, but nobody knows that for sure. Non of us  truthfully knows what my outcome will be, all we can really do is hope and pray. Each and everyone of us can wake up tomorrow and have our lives change forever, though does anyone ever think that? On July 28th I know that my life will be forever changed, how it will change, I do not know, but I do know it will be changed, and change scares me. Yes I will have my tumor removed, which is an amazing thing, but with the consequences of having to learn how to walk again, having constant numbness, and tingling in my hands and legs, or perhaps I will wake up paralyzed, or needing a wheel chair for the rest of my life, or God forbid, I die; no matter what happens, I know that my life is going to change.

 I have been so strong through this whole thing, and I will continue to be strong, but I also need to be weak, and it is okay to be weak, for when you are weak, that is when you are your strongest.
We as human beings take too much for granted, we take life for granted, we go on living life as if there will always be a tomorrow. I am guilty of it, and even though I know my life could very well end on July 28th, I am still guilty of it. Living in the moment is a skill that I think only children have mastered, though all adults were children once, so what happened? I am sure there are many adults that are still capable of living in the moment, but there are many, many more people who do not. I am trying my best to live in the moment, but as a mother and the main home maker it can be hard, there is constantly something on the go, something that needs to be planned, someone who needs something, so I admit even now when my children are fighting or crying or whatever the case may be, I sometimes wish those moments away. I will continue to try harder, and work on savoring every moment ( the good and the bad) I have with my children, husband, family and friends. I have recently realized the things that otherwise would have once bothered me or that I would have worried about in the past, hardly even phase me anymore, it's funny how that happened.

On a few occasion I catch myself thinking about the day of my surgery, I try not to think about it too much, but when it creeps into my head, it is hard to stop. The thought of having to hug and kiss each of my babies good-bye brings me to tears, I know it will be an emotional roller coaster that day- it hurts to think about it. I am so blessed to come from such a big and loving family and I know my children will be in the very best hands during my surgery and my recovery period.

So many people have said to me "please let me know if there is anything I can do", which I am so grateful for, but it puts a lot on me and Keenan to designate what people can do for us. If you would like to do something, please go ahead and offer what help you can, my family and I will accept and appreciate any help that is offered. On that note,  Keenan and I are coming up with a 'Care Calendar' which will include a list of things people can help us with, and or if people want to offer their help with anything ( laundry, meals, cleaning, company, etc.) they can sign up and let us know what they want to do. I will inform everyone once we have the calendar up and running.

The month before my surgery, I will be taking a break from blogging and social media and will be spending every waking moment living life with my family and friends. I will be back a few days before my surgery to keep everyone up to date on my progress.

-Eileen