Guest Post

 A health crisis does not only impact the person that it is happening to, it also reaches that person's family and friends. But above all I think the person who is impacted the most is the spouse of the individual( if they have one). 
The news of my tumour has affected my husband just as much, if not more so than  it has affected me. 

When a couple is married they exchanged wedding vows, and one of the phrases in the traditional vow is: "in sickness and in health". When couples exchanged these vows do they actually acknowledge what they are truly saying and committing to? Are they really paying attention to the actual meaning of those words?
When my husband was saying those words to me on our wedding day, little did he know that five years later he would find out that his wife had a tumour and he would have to live up to the "in sickness" part of the promise  he made when stating those vows.
 For the most part he has been very true to those words . . . in the best way that he can be. He has had some downs along the way, but I know it is because this unfortunate situation is out of his control, and for him that is no good, he likes to fix things and this is one thing that he cannot fix. Under these circumstances our marriage has been put to a test. . . 

Metaphorically speaking, I know that once we conquer this mountain in our life together that any future hills we stumble upon  will take very little effort for us to climb. 

A while ago I asked my husband if he wanted to do a guest blog post about how he was  feeling about all this, he was a little hesitant at first but then he agreed to it.
So on behalf of my husband here are his thoughts about the situation that life threw our way. . .

 (Please Note: My husband is not one to swear, and I was going to edit his first line out because I didn't want those of you who don't know him to think that he has a potty mouth, but I left it in because that is how he was feeling).

"F&#K YOU  TUMOUR!

Although the anger is fading as I've accepted my new reality, I still find myself mourning the life I had and the life I thought I would be having moving forward.  It’s taken me a few months to put my selfish thoughts away and really get focused on what Eileen needs now.  Love and support.

Here’s the email I sent to my boss at 11:34am on Thurs Feb 20^th.

Got a call from my wife.  She got her medical results back from her MRI on Monday.  Doctor asked her to come in ASAP and now she’s in a flat panic.  Doctor offices need some customer empathy training.

The next few days  I was living in a blur and did my best to appear strong.  And by appear strong I mean adopt the emotional state of a rock.  Not helpful, but it kept me from breaking down.  It wasn't until my first day back at work that it really hit me.  I was in the office nice and early to catch up on emails and another early rising coworker casually asked “How are you doing?” as he walked by.  How was I doing?  Did he want my honest answer?  I had a total and uncontrollable melt down.  Right in the office.  Luckily it was still early and the office only sparsely populated.  I quickly made my way over to my former boss’ office and asked to speak with him.  Like a true master, he calmed me down while giving me the opportunity to release the built up frustration, anger, disappointment and fear. 

Feeling better, I walked out of the office refreshed and ready to rock.  In hindsight, I still had a way to go to really accept the situation.

As a problem-solving logical thinking stereotypical male, a significant portion of my waking hours was spent trying to plan out our next steps to get Eileen through this.  My initial research phase had me digging into the disease, symptoms, treatment options, existing medical benefits and overall healthy lifestyle changes.  I think focusing on “fixing” something really kept me together during those first few weeks.  I had a mission, a goal, a target and I was on a roll.  If anyone is interested in the treatment plan I put together, please reach out.

The next few weeks had me take a turn for the worse.  I had good days and bad days, but the bad days were really bad.  I found it easier to shut down than to open up.  Counterproductive and I knew it.  Time to call in my parents for assistance ( it was my wife who asked them to leave their beautiful home in Victoria to come for a visit, because she knows that if anyone can bring me up in life, it is them).  They’re the equivalent of the eagles in the JRR Tolkien books.  When things are REALLY bad and you’ve tried everything else, they swoop in to save the day.  Just the thought of them coming out helped pull me out of my hole. 

I can’t remember the exact date that I truly accepted reality and released my past expectations of the future, but it may have been the day spent at Princess Margaret hospital for Eileen’s contrast MRI scans.  Perhaps it was watching the old woman helping her even older husband get checked in for his MRI scan.  Perhaps it was the time I sat alone in the hospital chapel getting back to my meditation practice.  Doesn't matter what the trigger was, but I felt changed. I still have good days and bad days, but lately there have been a lot more good days. Watching my wife take this tumour head on and seeing how many people she is inspiring along the way makes me so proud of her and want to be strong and supportive for her. I am extremely blessed to be married to such a wonderful and selfless person who is more than anyone can ask for in a partner and a mother to our children. 

I’m with you lover.  Bring it on!"

- Keenan




Here are a few pics of Keenan and I exchanging our vows on our wedding day, He is the wind beneath my wings.