Surgery Date is Booked

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I haven't posted because I just haven't felt like blogging anything.
I do however want to update to say that I have my surgery date booked; I will be having my surgery done on July 28th at Toronto Western Hospital.

On Thursday May 15th I had an appointment to see my neurosurgeon to discuss my MRI results. For some reason I didn't feel nervous at all that day, I was glad to finally know what lay ahead for me, and to no longer be stuck in limbo.
My husband and my mother joined me for this appointment. We met and talked with the neurosurgeon for about 45 minutes.
The surgeon recommended that even though there was no tumor growth and that I have little to minimal symptoms that I should still have the surgery sooner than later. He said that some neurosurgeons would use the 'wait and watch' method, and would just continue to send me for MRI's every 3 months until there was some growth; he went on to say that extremely confident surgeons would proactively do the surgery ( tooting his own horn if you will). He said that if  we waited and the tumor grew even by 1/2 a mm then he would have to remove the base of the back of my skull which would make for an even more risky surgery than it already is.
A part of me was wishing that we could just do the wait and watch approach, and that this thing would just stay this size for the rest of my life. But, it will grow, it will grow, and I will need this surgery. So I think it is best to do it now while I am young and healthy. I have so much confidence in my surgeon and I know I am in good hands.

... The truth is, I am terrified, everyone says I am going to be ok, and I like to think that I will be ok, but nobody knows that for sure. Non of us  truthfully knows what my outcome will be, all we can really do is hope and pray. Each and everyone of us can wake up tomorrow and have our lives change forever, though does anyone ever think that? On July 28th I know that my life will be forever changed, how it will change, I do not know, but I do know it will be changed, and change scares me. Yes I will have my tumor removed, which is an amazing thing, but with the consequences of having to learn how to walk again, having constant numbness, and tingling in my hands and legs, or perhaps I will wake up paralyzed, or needing a wheel chair for the rest of my life, or God forbid, I die; no matter what happens, I know that my life is going to change.

 I have been so strong through this whole thing, and I will continue to be strong, but I also need to be weak, and it is okay to be weak, for when you are weak, that is when you are your strongest.
We as human beings take too much for granted, we take life for granted, we go on living life as if there will always be a tomorrow. I am guilty of it, and even though I know my life could very well end on July 28th, I am still guilty of it. Living in the moment is a skill that I think only children have mastered, though all adults were children once, so what happened? I am sure there are many adults that are still capable of living in the moment, but there are many, many more people who do not. I am trying my best to live in the moment, but as a mother and the main home maker it can be hard, there is constantly something on the go, something that needs to be planned, someone who needs something, so I admit even now when my children are fighting or crying or whatever the case may be, I sometimes wish those moments away. I will continue to try harder, and work on savoring every moment ( the good and the bad) I have with my children, husband, family and friends. I have recently realized the things that otherwise would have once bothered me or that I would have worried about in the past, hardly even phase me anymore, it's funny how that happened.

On a few occasion I catch myself thinking about the day of my surgery, I try not to think about it too much, but when it creeps into my head, it is hard to stop. The thought of having to hug and kiss each of my babies good-bye brings me to tears, I know it will be an emotional roller coaster that day- it hurts to think about it. I am so blessed to come from such a big and loving family and I know my children will be in the very best hands during my surgery and my recovery period.

So many people have said to me "please let me know if there is anything I can do", which I am so grateful for, but it puts a lot on me and Keenan to designate what people can do for us. If you would like to do something, please go ahead and offer what help you can, my family and I will accept and appreciate any help that is offered. On that note,  Keenan and I are coming up with a 'Care Calendar' which will include a list of things people can help us with, and or if people want to offer their help with anything ( laundry, meals, cleaning, company, etc.) they can sign up and let us know what they want to do. I will inform everyone once we have the calendar up and running.

The month before my surgery, I will be taking a break from blogging and social media and will be spending every waking moment living life with my family and friends. I will be back a few days before my surgery to keep everyone up to date on my progress.

-Eileen